Reason Freely


Posted in essay by reasonfreely on August 26, 2010

This was originally posted on Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network.  I’m just passing it along because it’s a funny read.  This woman seems to seriously believe this crap:

Original Post – (NOTE:  This is NOT mainstream Christianity, nor do I mean to say it is!)

A few select quotes…

“During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.”

…Look, if we’re suspending reality and just making stuff up, I’m going to have to offer my explanation of how time-released curses function:  Witches at the Brachs Candy Factory coat these curses in an enteric coating, like 12-hour Sudafed, then hide them inside jelly beans, which are given out at Easter, during Evil Pagan Beltane Rabbit-God Worship celebrations.  The coating dissolves slowly inside the lower intestine, for approximately 6 months, at which point the time-released curses are exposed to digestive juices and enter the blood stream…

“During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

…This woman wouldn’t know a citation if it bit her in the ass.  She quotes the bible once in the whole article, and gives no evidence for any of her dramatic claims about the occult. Do you know how much candy corn is sold every year?  9 billion kernels.

It could be done, though:  The estimated 800,000 wiccans in the US would have to pray over 1,000 kernels of candy corn, each.  With logistics of shipping and so forth, it could be done in a week, easily within the time-release curse period.

“When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers.”

…This article was pulled from Robertson’s website and replaced.  See the article that replaced it (quoted below) for the opposite (and equally fantastic) take on this idea.

“Witches take pride in laughing at the ignorance of natural men (those who ignore the spirit realm).”

…Apparently Witches love laughing.  Cackling.  Wearing green facepaint…  (Baum, 1900)

“The word “occult” means “secret.” The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include…”

…You’re going to have to go read that article and find out!

The web site actually thought that article was worth pulling and replacing.  So it’s easy to make fun of someone even Pat Robertson thinks is nuts.  But what about the article that replaced it?

Replacement Post – (This is closer to mainstream Christianity, and really not that bad)

To be fair, the replacement article doesn’t mention curses, spirits or baby sacrifices.  But it’s got some weird points, as well…

This section here actually seems like a pretty normal description of the origins of the Halloween celebration:

“The practices find their origins in a Celtic holiday called Samhain.  Celebrated as the end to their harvest season, they believed the boundary between the living and the dead dissolved and that evil spirits caused trouble for the living. The story goes that the living escaped this trouble by disguising themselves as evil spirits – you know, the whole blending in technique … works every time.  The name is actually Christian in nature – it means All Hallows Eve, which is All Saint’s Day – a day set aside to honor saints past.  But it is undeniable that Halloween has pagan, if not satanic, roots.”

When people say “X if not Y,” either they mean “X but not Y” or they mean “X and also Y.”  Let’s see which he means…

So the question becomes … should Christians celebrate a holiday that has pagan/satanic roots even if it is largely commercialized today?”

Ah.  The latter.

Ken Eastburn goes on to say you should celebrate Halloween to meet your neighbors and because if you hide indoors from all the Satan going on, you’re letting the devil win.

Also, I promised above that the replacement article had the opposite take — that you couldn’t accidentally worship

Satan by eating candy corn.   Ken says that you “conquer Satan” by celebrating Halloween.  In your face, devil! I ain’t afraid of you!

You know, that was probably the point of the original pagan celebrations, Ken:  Not to hide from ghouls or to worship Satan; but to overcome the normal human dread of death through tangible symbols of life/death and shared community rituals — like every other human culture and subculture, religious or not.

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One Response

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  1. greymaiden said, on August 26, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Bwahahaha! Hilarious. I’ll be sure to eat my jelly beans this Osta. . .I mean Easter.

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